MARKETING DOPE TO UPTIGHT PEOPLE
This week, I’m ruminating about semantics.
Sometimes, I think my life would’ve gone better if I’d actually done some drugs. I blame the cartels. Their negligence in not marketing dope to Mormons, evangelicals, and other uptight people is criminal. I think the problem’s with branding. You know, the names, even the nicknames of most illicit substances are not appealing to my demographic.
Back when I was a cyst, a cute, young, skinny thing, a handsome young man asked me if I wanted to smoke marijuana. I said, “No, but thanks for asking.” Whereupon he asked me if I wanted to inhale weed. Now, I spent way too much of my childhood weeding in the hot desert sun, so, “No.” But, if he’d asked me if I wanted to inhale tulips….ahhhh, I love tulips.
From there, we could’ve gatewayed to something stronger. “Wanna get high on LSD?” “Ummm, you mean LDS.” “No, I mean you wanna take acid?” “Acid! Well, that’s one way to get holy.” But, if he’d asked me, “Wanna take a litter of puppies?” Awwww, who wouldn’t? Am I right?
Then, we could’ve been ready for the big leagues. “Wanna shoot heroin?” “It depends. What will it do to my hair?” “Phew, no. Do you wanna inject smack?” “Smack? Ouch!” But, if he’d said, “Wanna ingest snack?” Obviously. My expanding waistline is testament that I already do that.
You see, at that point, he could’ve had me where he wanted me. “Wanna drop ecstasy?” You’d think that would be an easy sell for someone whose grandpa had five wives. On second thought, “Ewww. Grandpa! And Grandma…and Grandma…and Grandma, and Grandma, and Grandma! I can never unthink that now.” But, if he’d said, “Ready for rapture?” “Hallelujah! I’ve been waiting for that!”
~ Emery Lamb
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