12 STEPS
This week, I’m ruminating about a certain program I confessed to being a member of in Weekly Rumination2. You see, my membership in PA, Prudes Anonymous, has been a difficult and eye-opening journey. I attend meetings, and have been actively working on the 12 steps of recovery, but have a long way to go.
After meeting in dusty basements my sponsor has encouraged me go to the next level.So here I am publicly admitting the issues I have kept so cleverly hidden until mid-life.
STEP 1: AWARENESS – I’ve been aware of my prudish tendencies most of my life. There’s no need for government censorship, ‘cuz I’ll self-censor myself plenty, thank you very much. Even though I still think Bambi should be wearing Bermuda shorts or at least jodhpurs (‘cuz that would be classy), I now understand the movie is not inherently racy because the animals are nude. Check.
STEP 2: ADMISSION – I publicly outed myself as a prude in the fall of 2011 at an open mic at College Coffeehouse in Fairbanks, Alaska and at most open mics since. Check.
STEP 3: ACKNOWLEDGMENT – I have learned to acknowledge the prude within and let ‘er rip. So, I’m going to hold my head high as I enter a Victoria’s Secret store at the mall, knowing that I may one day have the courage to purchase a bustier. I’ll only wear it underneath my long sleeve t-shirt and sweater vest, but it’s a start. Check.
STEP 4: CELEBRATION – I’m still working on celebrating my inner prude. Even though I’m on Day 666 I don’t want to draw attention to myself by breaking out the sparkling apple juice, gorging on vanilla ice cream, and dancing on the tabletops of the local Denny’s wearing my invisible Victoria’s Secret bustier. One day, I’ll celebrate publicly in a non-prudish way, but for now, no. In-Progress.
STEP 5: FREEDOM – How can I expect to free the prude within when I can’t properly celebrate my inner prude? You’d think this would be an easy step for me since I was born after 1960 and was regularly told by media and grown ups that coarseness, impropriety, and debauchery were invented during that decade. Ah well, I must be an atavist to the good ol’ days of purity, piety, and politeness, and that’s why I’m a prude. I prefer to wear modest clothing and not take any action that would make me stand out. That, my friends is real freedom; obscurity. I still experience flashbacks of fringed, beaded, mud-soaked hippies I saw on the evening news as a child and I just don’t want to go there, although my hubby has a blacklight, so maybe, one day. In-Progress.
STEP 6: ASSISTANCE – Enough about me, this step involves assisting other prudes on their road to recovery. Easy as pie. You might say I have prudar, for I can spot prudes anywhere. Don’t forget, I grew up in Prudes Central, aka Salt Lake City, so I know the signs and I can recruit; ahem, gently guide them into the program. Check.
STEP 7: PUBLIC RELATIONS – It’s time to get the word out about PA. However, prudishness is the new cool. Minced oaths are in since profanity has lost its punch through overuse. Besides prudes embody that detached, aloof vibe that is, oh, so très hip. It’s gonna be a tough sell to alert people to the pitfalls of being a prude. Since I’m not a marketing person, I prefer to let the experts PowerPoint this step. I’ll help by getting the word out via CB radio and cups with string. In-Progress.
STEP 8: COMPENSATION – Make amends to those injured by my prudishness. It’s hard to know where to begin since I wasn’t a militant prude. Most people don’t know I am one, since I’m a polite prude and keep my prudish observations to myself. Besides, who minds people who are demure, polite, and sunny – all the time? Oh, who’m I kidding? Of course everyone knows. All I have to do is open my mouth and say things like, “Nuts!” “Holy Snot!” or “Scary Bananas!” to be discovered. It doesn’t help that I prefer to dress in layers topped with a sweater vest. I’ll need to make a list of people I was civil to and go to their house and explain that from here on out, I’ll be rude to them, since I don’t like them very much. Heck, I’ll need to be honest and say I don’t like them at all ‘cuz now I’m going to be sincere. All the time. I can see how other PA members go overboard with this step. It sounds fun, and dare I say it? Liberating. I think I’ll start with Twitter. In-Progress.
STEP 9: ABDICATION – Turn your prudism over to a Higher Power. This is the scary step. For one thing, who or what is the Higher Power? What was standard operating behavior yesterday is prudery today. Who decides that? There are even academic studies that have found benefits to cursing, although with diminishing effect over time and usage. I suppose Conventional Wisdom is as good a higher power as any to exorcise the prude out of me. I sub-consciously started doing this in the mid-90s when I started reading The Sunday Times of London. I even saw Schindler’s List in a movie theater. An R-rated movie. In public. In Utah. Thinking back, it dawned upon me that my own mother must’ve stirred the seeds of discontent, for I spent many an adolescent evening with her enjoying The New Yorker. In-Progress.
STEP 10: ANALYSIS – Analyze the personal formation, growth, and effects of being a prude. Don’t forget to assess sociocultural influences and ramifications when taking stock of the prude within. Encourage academic research on the sociological, psychological, anthropological, health, and economic aspects of prudery. Who knows? There might be a prude gene, and we need an excuse. In-Progress.
STEP 11: RESTORATION – Believe that there is a will and a way to restore the libertine in even the most priggish of prudes. I have found plenty of examples of hedonistic behavior to guide me into a life less fuddy-duddy; so, I know the way, but the will is lacking. I quite like my self-sequestered, comfortable, obscure existence. I guess I’ll have to move to California and adopt a new identity. In-Progress.
STEP 12: OWNERSHIP – Own your prudishness and know that it never completely goes away. A prude is always in the process of recovery. Therefore, it’s time to rock the prude walk, and own it; for I’m not alone. There are plenty of minced-oath mumblers out there. And sure, we could all loosen up a little and not be so embarrassed by life, but I gotta admit, there is pleasure in silently analyzing what other people do and say – especially say. So that’s why I’ve started attending the Prudes Anonymous sister program, Pedants Anonymous. I guess you could say I’m a bi-p. Check.
~ Emery Lamb
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